It was London. Of course it was London. That's where all the big shots like me come out to play, right?
I was taking part in an improvised show. Of course I was, I WAS IN LONDON FOR JESUS SAKE!
It was lunchtime and the city was heaving with laughing bankers in top hats, stray dogs and ragamuffins holding empty porridge bowls aloft.
Earlier that morning I'd met the small group I was to be improvising with. I'll lay it on the line with you here - they seemed to have a chip on their shoulders. And not just any chip. A LONDON chip - smothered in something weird like juice of dlet cola with a kale garnish.
We went to a hipster joint to break our lunch fast. It was a roadside Israeli deli where we sat in an open air cart to eat. I opted for sabich. Yeah I totally didn't know what it was either. They served me a delicious meaty, saucy thing in pitta type stuff.
I sat close to one of the improvisers in the squashed up cart. This guy seemed different to the others. He had half smiled earlier, or perhaps passed wind but either way I was impressed.
It was then I noticed his shoes. Mustard yellow Dr Martins. Sure.
'Hey your shoes are so cool!' I enthused leaning over and tipping almost the entire contents of my sabich over them.
What followed can only be described as radio silence. I rubbed my napkin over his shoes which only seemed to sink the sauce in further. I apologised. He looked out of the side of the cart toward a passing cockney selling watches out his coat and said 'It's fine.'
He seemed dismayed.
Hurriedly I tipped the rest of sabich over my shoes, and a some down my jeans leg.
'LOOK!' I said. Exploding into laughter. 'SEE!'
Unfortunately his lack of enthusiasm for the situation made me laugh more. In fact I laughed til tears fell from my eyes and I began to dry heave. I was so sorry yet the laughing would not cease. I apologised through creases. It wouldn't stop. Like a laughing plague sweeping over my impish yet fertile joy-riddled body.
When I stopped laughing he had gone, as had most of the group. I walked back to the theatre alone.
London. What a town.
No Israeli's were harmed during the Sabich incident.