As a former porker I have to stick to a certain set of daily guidelines to ensure I don't fall off the wagon and slip into rolypolyness again. Here they are...
RULE NUMBER 1. Always refuse a crisp when offered.
One simple crisp has often led me to faceplanting the packet and snarling like a rabid dog as I inhale the remnants of a half eaten bag of Chipsticks
RULE NUMBER 2. Don't cry while you exercise.
The salt in your tears makes you crave vinegar. And then fish and chips to put it on.
RULE NUMBER 3. Always fist pump the air when you make it to the top of some stairs.
This will motivate you to take the stairs more often.
I am also now a regular at the gym. A while back the man who works behind the counter began to call me 'Hulk Hogan.' I can only assume this is because I have longish blonde hair and lift weights or because I wear an American flag unitard and sport a handlebar mustache.
Recently I entered the gym and he cheered 'Hey, Hulk Hogan's back!' So after my workout I found his van in the car park and scrawled in the dirt 'You're an arse. Hogan knows best.'
YEAH! COOK 1 - GYM MAN 0!!
The victory would be all the more sweeter if I could only be sure that was his van.