To get to Northern Ireland I had to fly on a tiny plane, the kind of plane you might find a small child putting 10p's in outside a supermarket or one you get in a Kinder Egg. As I sat on the runway strapped into a baked bean tin waiting to be hurled into the sky I realised I had not taken the time to update my will recently, as I had not written one.
If you have ever had the pleasure/terror of flying into Belfast over the loch during a storm then would you like to split the cost of therapy with me? The plane bounced through the sky while I wailed outwardly like Frankenstein. Lightning cracked across the windows. A large-haired blonde lady who looked like a WWF wrestler laughed in my face and I realised we were one dwarf away from a David Lynch film.
The plane landed safely to rapturous applause from the other three people on the flight and the pilot rolled out of the cockpit like a wispy trump.
It was canny damp in Northern Ireland and I saw a castle and a KitKat wrapper stuck under a rock, blowing in the wind like it was waving at me. (I waved back.) If you have never met Jedward then you should try and make that happen. They are great lads or as we say back home 'proper mint.' Not only are they secret genius's (yes) but they let me borrow their hairspray and regaled me with stories of meeting 'Barack Osama' and the time Daniel Day Lewis came to see their 'pantomine.'
On the way home I tried to purchase a bag of my favourite sweets to throw up on the flight but the conversation with the man at the til went like this.
ME: (Geordie accent) Just these Colin Caterpillars please.
MAN: (Northern Irish) I don't know what you're saying sorry.
ME: Haha. Sorry it's my accent, just these Colin Caterpillars for the plane ride please.
MAN: Haha. I still don't know what you're saying sorry.
ME: Haha. It doesn't matter.
MAN: (Something undecipherable)
ME: Haha! Now I don't know what you're saying! Okay bye!
If you ever get a chance you should definitely visit Northern Ireland. But maybe go by boat.
Kind regards, V Cook, not in Ireland anymore.